In the last 12-18 months there's been growing spells of apprehension and anxiety. It's hard to pin point where they stem from, but it seems like a combination of things. I'm closing in on 29 in April, and I don't feel I am where I wanted to be at 29. Yeah yeah, "age is just a number"..
Last winter I was supposed to be in Australia on a work/travel visa. Enjoying the sun, dodging the worlds most deadly creatures, and playing with baby koalas. However a slew of surprise financial surprises and some mismanagement on my part meant that instead of exploring the other corner of the planet, I was trapped in the coldest winter in 50 years. For someone who complains that 5 degrees is far too cold, this was quite literally a living hell. My inability to 'get my shit together' and go to Australia put forth a major blow to my confidence in my ability to achieve my goals. A blow that carried it's way through the year.
Last winter I was supposed to be in Australia on a work/travel visa. Enjoying the sun, dodging the worlds most deadly creatures, and playing with baby koalas. However a slew of surprise financial surprises and some mismanagement on my part meant that instead of exploring the other corner of the planet, I was trapped in the coldest winter in 50 years. For someone who complains that 5 degrees is far too cold, this was quite literally a living hell. My inability to 'get my shit together' and go to Australia put forth a major blow to my confidence in my ability to achieve my goals. A blow that carried it's way through the year.
I feel underwhelmed these days. I feel that I can do so much more. So much more. In the past I've always had an outlet to channel this. In university I put forth most of my effort in improving our university cycling team. We thrived and managed to become the top ranked team in our race series. Then I focused on my own cycling pursuits. While I didn't become the fastest guy in the country, I met many of my personal goals and it instilled confidence in what I am capable of achieving. Afterwards, I focused on my event promotion and DJ'ing. This also resulted in huge personal growth and satisfaction. However the interest plateaued. The success of the events we throw are dependent on going late on Friday and Saturday nights. Something that I have less and less desire for these days.
Right now I feel I have no outlet. My work is challenging and satisfying with a slew of value added projects on the radar. However, the long term vision doesn't seem like it'll offer the same ongoing satisfaction.
Right now I feel I have no outlet. My work is challenging and satisfying with a slew of value added projects on the radar. However, the long term vision doesn't seem like it'll offer the same ongoing satisfaction.
The shorter days, colder weather, and longer nights left alone with apprehension and anxiety can wreak havoc on your productivity. Letting these little things fester seems to put your mood in a downward spiral. More apprehension, more anxiety and suddenly your baseline is melancholy.
SO ..I've decided to head down south to Texas, Arizona, New Mexico for January. I will be doing a lot of cycling, but it's not the point of the trip. I need a change of scenery badly. I need to stoke the fires so to speak. A mental recharge. It'll be a trip of mental discipline and self reflection. Up early, ride every day, come home and work. This is long overdue. I have my projects to work on which will keep me busy, and I'll be interacting with plenty of different people through the hostels I'll be staying at. In the past, meeting interesting and different people has always been an enjoyable experience. Something about why people do what they do gets me incredibly excited. I also have a stack of books that need reading. I'm hoping to take care of all of them.
Time to get back on the horse and tackle 2015.
Time to get back on the horse and tackle 2015.
