However as the days grow shorter, and the weather turns, I find myself getting restless and cagey. With less distractions, you're left to think more about "What are you doing with yourself?" While I have eternally been stuck in an existential crisis, (I've come to accept this as my disposition) I have become better at distracting myself from it or realizing how to combat it. Last winter, my open ended road trip across the Southwestern States was a savior against the visceral winter depression that hits like a train every year.
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| One of my favorite works by Zdzisław Beksiński. His work is not for everyone, but this guy has macabre dialed. |
I've got at least a good month of work and cycling ahead of me to keep me distracted, but at some point I'll have to confront that question "Now what?!" I have plans to relocate to BC at some point in the near future, should job prospects allow. However even after a change of scenery, at some point, what is initially "New and different" becomes "Same and routine"... it's not a long term solution to finding something that drives the fires behind you every morning when you wake up. I need to find something 'bigger than me' to devote my time to. In the past when I was working towards a goal, whether it was racing, school or DJ'ing, the motivation behind that, powered me through the slumps. Right now, I think for the first time ever, I'm not too sure what to do with myself- an interesting problem no doubt. It's easy to "make yourself busy" whether it be the 9-5 that most of us work, or participating in an intramural sport or some new hobby.
There's plenty I am interested in, but as of right now nothing that grabs my attention to the point of deep conviction. A sense of apathy and complacency has taken over, and this needs to be addressed . This apathy permeates into other aspects of my life if left to fester. Work, self respect, relationships- you name it. I think there's a deep seated fear that I'll live my life selling myself short and not realizing potential- which is likely a pile of bullshit since the benchmarks are entirely arbitrary to begin with. It's important to keep reminding myself of this.
I need a challenge. I need to figure out some sort of Everest to conquer that I am genuinely convicted about. Everything else I do until I figure this out will just seem like busy work. The change of scenery will hopefully act as a catalyst and help realize new opportunities.
The city of Guelph where I live is fantastic and has everything I need and want. But fuck, I'm bored.
Oh and I put out a new set.
